A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”

And the lady said, “Pardon?”

A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?” “Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer. “Nope,” replied the man. “OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,” said the lawyer. “But it’s only $500,” replied the man. “Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!”

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.

Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”

Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.

John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”

Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”

One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, “No, we don’t sell grapes.” The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, “No, we do not sell grapes.” The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, “No, we don’t sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!” The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, “No, I don’t have any nails.” The duck says, “Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?”

A couple by the name of John and Margaret were having breakfast one morning when Margaret looked at John and said, “John, I’d like to ask you a question.”
“Sure, Honey,” John said, “What would you like to know?”
“John, if I died would you remarry?”
“Margaret! That’s crazy! Why would anyone ask such a question? Let’s talk about something else.”
“But John, I’d like to know. Would you remarry if I died?”
“Honey, that’s crazy talk. I’m simply not going to answer such a silly question.”

But Margaret persisted and, eventually, John replied, “Okay, Margaret, here’s what I would probably do. I reckon I’d wait a while but, eventually, I would remarry.

“Thank you, John,” Margaret said. After a little while, Margaret said, “John, If I died and you remarried, would you sell the house?” John thought for a bit then said, “No, I don’t reckon I would sell the house. I like it here and there would be no reason for me to sell it.”

“But John,” Margaret said, “If I died and you remarried would you sell our bed?” “Well Margaret, I’ve never given it any thought. You know, just off the top of my head, I have to say I really like our bed so I guess my answer is, No, I wouldn’t sell the bed.”

“But John, what about my golf clubs? You wouldn’t let her use my golf clubs, would you? “Why Margaret! Of course not! What kind of a question is that? I wouldn’t dream of letting her use your clubs. Besides, she’s left-handed!”

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, “If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?” Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry’s voice in a dream, “Tom…” “Larry! What is it?!” asked Tom. “I have good news and bad news from heaven.” “What’s the good news?” “There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you’re pitching on Tuesday.”

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. “Oh, we returned the piano.” said my Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead.”

“How come?” I asked. “Because,” he answered, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes.

He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”

“How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day… About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Heck no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the heck would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work

Bubba was driving down the road with three penguins in the car. A cop stopped him and asked, “What’s up?”. Bubba said, “I have these penguins and I don’t know what to do with them.” The cop replied, “Take them to the zoo.” Bubba replied, “OK, good idea.”

The next day the cop saw Bubba driving down the road with the three penguins, and they were wearing sunglasses. He stopped him and walked up to the car, “I thought I told you yesterday to take them to the zoo.” Bubba said, “I did, and today we’re going to the beach.”